A life of disappointments

June 30, 2020

Disappointment has been my life. Since I can remember… disappointment after disappointment. 

I’ll start from the jump.

The end of 2019. I was optimistic. Hoping the disappointing stuff would not happen. 2019 I felt like I was beat up. So much happened that year…but the most disappointing was losing my spiritual mom, church, church family all in one. Then my sister broke up with her longtime boyfriend…which shouldn’t bother me or my family…but for some reason…that was disappointing too. I lent money out to family members to not get back when they shared was disappointing. Having over 30,000 gone in less than a year is disappointing. When the end of the year came…I was so excited for 2020 I didn’t know what I needed…all I knew is that I was done with all the stupid shit…I hope you understand.

In addition to all of that…I was diagnosed with severe anxiety. The job I was working on addt to my side hustle…was for real killing me. I kept saying it’s all good I can do it. When I was having ibs symptoms, headaches, sweats and constipation. One day I clocked in as a remote agent and had a bloody nose for 20 minutes on my day off. I knew that was the end but I didn’t want to quit my job. Stability. 

I took myself off work…to figure out what was going on with my body. I’m not a spring chicken…so I wanted to be safe. I was so diagnosed with anxiety and to go to these classes and take this medicine for a year and we’ll see…

I wasn’t comfortable because I didn’t want to take their medicine for a whole year or more…so I immersed myself in the Lord. Listening, praying, seeking…what was next. And I just hear the Lord telling me to quit. This was November 18, 2019. When the Lord told me…I gave you the job, now give it back. 

Now I’m trippin’. No money saved. How are we going to get through. God always has a ram in the bush! 

So Daddy took care of that. 

Prior, in April 2019 I was going for a huge promotion. I worked so hard for it. Nothing.

May 2019 worked hella hard. Nothing. 

June 2019 worked even harder. 

Nothing.

I had my dreams and goals written on the mirror and I just wiped it off…I was incredibly disappointed. 

Prior in 2017. The Lord told me. We were going to move.to a house…I got.so excited…I started moving…looked at houses, had a realtor, got quotes and qualified all for it not to happen. When I felt the Lord said it was going.to happen.

In fact…since 2017. I’ve had parking wars, different infestations of bugs…I had some weird nettle and European beetles also known as roaches walk into my house from the outside. I’ve asked about them spraying. They do…but because the houses are so old. And not as kept up…my front door has a huge gap…so they just walk in. I’ve asked many times for the management to replace the door and the weather stripping as well as the Gap and I get vain actions and promises that never get taken care of.

Disappointment. 

The Lord told me you’re going to Florida with no money…and God provided it all. To access huddles and everything. God showed up and showed out. But when I got home I was smacked with disappointment.

My mom almost died, due to horrible pneumonia and COPD…then I had a horrible toothache. My dad fell off a ladder. You know… stupid shit. Distractions. Disappointment. 

My brain is still on what God has told me but for some reason…I was stuck. All arsenal was gone. I had no confidence, motivation, peace or excitement and I have the best job ever…in my opinion. But feeling super stuck like I am in quicksand and I’m going down fast. 

I didn’t realize my hope was deferred. And my heart was sick… Proverbs 13:12 

The rest of that scripture hardly ever get quoted past…what it says about making your heart sick. But it says that when the desire comes it’s like a tree of life. And after I felt so good chatting about it on.my live the Lord began.to minister to me. About my hope and disappointment. 

And I began to cry. And weep and in the crying and weeping the Lord began to show me where I first was faced with disappointment. And that was when I was 8 and my whole life changed. When. My parents went to jail. ( My book to come) and it was them I realized it was a root of bitterness…for so long…I asked the Lord to rout it out…in Jesus name. So I can be what I am called to be and who I am called to be. And where I am called to be. 

My whole life…has disappointment. To the point where I was stuck. When I quit my job…I knew I needed to dig in to my side hustle and hey it in…but I was stuck and distracted. And wallow in self condemnation wondering why…what the Lord has spoken had not come to pass. 

I’ve been so scared to share that I’m going for the same promotion as last year. I’ve been scared to say…my business took a huge dive…2019. thinking I have it all taken care of without God. Because I had money…I could take care of it. 

I’m going for the same promotion diamond…but the Lord told me to believe for more…and I said triple diamond which is a great rank by the way…insert comp plan…but God said more. 

And in my disappointed heart. I said no. 

Today I am the Lord. Showed me it was my hope that was delayed. It was not hand. I just didn’t believe it would happen…with all the disappointments in my life. 

But that changes today. I’m going for the biggest promotion. Today is the last day to promote. And I’m not giving up. 

I can actually say. He is faithful. He will come through. Even though what I see around me is… everything but. I’ve quit many things in my life. And I will not do that this time. I will get to my goal. Whether it is now… tomorrow or in another year. I trust God will work it out. For my good.

I pull up the root of bitterness in myself and anyone who reads this. I pray that because you read my disappointments and I’m still standing, that this gives your hope for your future. Jeremiah 29:11

Beloved, you don’t have to be disappointed… You can Be free! Life to your hands and ask the Lord to show you where disappointment lies…and then allow the Lord to uncover…which hurts… but healing will occur! And when it does…you’ll be able to identify disappointment at its site. Amen 

I pray my transparency helps whoever reads this. May the Lord bless you and keep.you and shine is countenance and peace on you all the days of your life! Bless God!